Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
