i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
