I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
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