I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
