Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She even gives head with a lisp.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
