cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize