If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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