just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
