Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
