he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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