I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
