I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
