i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
porn star boner night. come get it.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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