there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize