sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
