Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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