You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
pray to the hookup gods
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
