I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
