I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
