well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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