After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
