Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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