I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
