the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She bit a glass in half.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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