Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
its liver damage thursday
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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