i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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