The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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