So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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