The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Did you pee in the oven last night??
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
