i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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