there's paper in my vomit.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
