new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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