walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
