So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
