i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
