So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
