people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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