she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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