pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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