I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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