apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
