dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
