he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
