My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
