Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
