i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
