yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
