mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
