i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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