Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
