1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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