I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
