Cold hands, warm shart.
nut hugger
I'm eating all of the evidence.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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