he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize