fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
