Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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