the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
