and you said cock pushups were impossible
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
