If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
