was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize