I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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