That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
