Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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