so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
