You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize