I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
