my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
