Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
